Some days are easy peasy. So easy that I can't actually believe that I'm raising a child. And those days aren't one in a million or anything so I feel pretty lucky to never have had to deal with some of the things people warned me about before I became a mom. Like colic, projectile vomit, baby tantrums, nipple confusion. Nope, none for us thanks. So while it seems like I'm bragging about my so far so good attempt to care for a life other than my own, I'm actually trying to brace myself for what's in store for the future.
I'm completely terrified. And I know when the time comes, I'll be able to handle it. I'm just not sure how well I'll be able to handle it. I'm a worrier. I get freaked out when C makes the tiniest little fuss. I don't let her "cry it out." I never have and I never will. I get flustered when she starts fussing. I'm pretty sure I recall having several emotional breakdowns while we were sleep training. And did I mention... we are dealing with the easiest of easy babies here.
I've been told a million times, "oh just wait, your next one will be a devil child." Oh! why thank you for the awesome advice and warnings friends. Now I'm gonna go home and get right back on the hubs and start trying for another since you're all making me so excited. C may end up an only child after all. Sorry Kid.
I "pray" every day that my patience is growing stronger so that I'll be able to deal with C in her toddler stage. I swear, every time I picture her in her terrible two stage, a little voice in my head whispers, Gemini, Gemini, Gemini. I'm so screwed. I can already tell that she is going to do things her way and on her time. She's a baby and she already has a mind of her own. "Peas?! Oh hell no woman, I'm just going to steal this spoon and hide it somewhere in my chair so you can't feed me this crap." Yah...it happens daily.
Some days I'm exhausted. By no means am I as exhausted as half of the new moms out there, I'm sure. But for me, I get pretty wiped. Will there be a full nights rest for me any time in the near future? Nope, probably not. Will I get to put my feet up and finally finish that book I've been trying to get through for four months? Not a chance. How about celebrating my quarter century Birthday in a fancy hotel with endless wine in a Jacuzzi tub. Keep dreaming.
Did I also mention I'm a big time complainer. Just me? Don't get me wrong I'm endlessly grateful for my blessings and every little aspect of my life. I just need a freaking break sometimes.
I need to stop thinking that I'm the only person in the world who can give C proper care. I'm one of those crazy obsessive moms who stands over the shoulder of every person who handles my daughter. Even her grandparents who have raised seven kids combined, can't get through bath time without me watching their every move. I put C down for every nap, feed her at every feeding, change her whenever she needs it. The only duty that I delegate to others is diaper changing. Luuuuuckkky people in my life!
I've decided that all this needs to change. Especially now that C is six months old and isn't breastfeeding anymore. Oh, and especially because we cut the cord six months ago, Mom, hello it's time to let go a little. I'm going a little bit insane, never leaving the house, never doing anything alone, and never feeling carefree.
Today is a day of change! Well actually tomorrow is. From this day on, Friday nights are me nights. Free from messy dinners, bedtime routines, and bottle prep. Hell, I might just go sit at the mall and drink coffee like the old people, or I might go all out and hit up happy hour with the girls. Either way, I'm FREEEE! And it feels so good.
xo, Kiara
Kiara, are we the same person? I think we are! I too, am going through what you're going through. Fears, anxiety, worst case scenarios that won't leave you alone, no sleep, constant feeling of going and going and never stopping, and of course the uncontrollable NEED to hover your child when they're in the arms of someone else. I too feel the way you do. So don't ever think you're alone. If there's a phrase I hate more than centipedes (and I hate centipedes so much I've contiplated moving out of my house numerous times) it's "you just wait". That phrase makes me want to stab my eyeballs out with a dull, rusty and serrated spoon. I have this extreme urge to harm the person that says that to me that I'm positive it'd be healthier for everyone if I stayed locked in my house.
ReplyDeleteThanks NIcole. I had a feeling I wasn't alone. Sometimes I think I'm losing my shit. Good to know there are others :) haha
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