Saying Goodbye

Goodbye to the little baby we'll never get the chance to meet, and goodbye to the little brother or sister. Goodbye to pregnancy, I'm sure we'll meet again.

     Last week we said goodbye to (what would have been) our second baby, who stopped growing too soon.

     Subconsciously, I had a feeling something wasn't right. My pregnancy symptoms disappeared a few weeks back, and I just chalked it up to being that lucky pregnant chick that everybody hates. An easy first trimester. Wishful thinking, I guess, and a little naive. 

     The truth is, I never thought it would happen to me. I'm too young, too fit, too healthy, taking all the right vitamins, getting enough sleep, and most of all, I've done this successfully once before. That's all well and good, but 1 in 4 pregnancies won't make it into the second trimester, regardless of whether it's your first or fifth time around the pregnancy block. There was nothing we could have done. These things happen. 

     We'll never know what went wrong, but I now know what's right about experiencing a loss like this.  I've never felt so lost and so loved all at the same time.  I'm lucky to have the unconditional love and support of family and friends at a time like this, the strength of a man to lift me up and tell me never to apologize, and best friends to tell me I'm beautiful, and that I don't have to explain myself to anyone.  These are the reasons that I'm okay today. 

     Eventually, I'll trust my body again to give it another shot. For now, I'm doing the best that I can. To be an even better mom and to cherish every moment with my not-so-little girl, to love deeper, a man who would take all my pain for himself if he could, and lastly, to be in the moment, less consumed with the what's next, and more accepting of what happens when you stop making lists and schedules.

     And above all else, to love myself fully. This body is capable of some pretty miraculous things, and someday maybe we'll test it out again. ;)

All my love and gratitude for the kind words,

12 Weeks

How far along?  12 weeks

Total weight gain:  2lbs

Maternity clothes:  Just lots of comfy and warm stuff.

Stretch marks: No

Sleep: Sleeping great.

Best moment this week: Canada winning gold in Men's and Women's hockey! (and all the candy eating during the games)

Movement: A few flutters here and there if I'm lying really still.  Also could still just be gas.

Cravings: Cherry Pepsi, bulk candy is my BFF, any type of baked good...looks like I'm headed in the same directed as last time as far as weight gain.  It's best if I don't talk about it. ;)

Anything making you queasy? Nothing at all.

Gender: Unknown.

Labour Signs: Nope

Symptoms:  It's been so strange to me that I've had VERY few symptoms this time around.  It even got me a little worried but after a quick google search, I've been assured that it's pretty normal and that I should just be counting my lucky stars I'm not hunched over the toilet this time around.  I feel fantastic and I have tons of energy.  Just keeping my fingers crossed that I stay like this for a little while longer...or the entire time...I'd be good with that too.  The few symptoms that I do have include, sore boobs, mood swings, and my face looks not unlike a teenage boys.  I'll take it!

Belly button: Just ew.

Emotions:  Ups and downs all day long.  Hubby hasn't killed me yet.

Excited for:  Some warmer weather.  I am sick of being cooped up inside and feeling like a popsicle all day long.  Can't wait to do some spring/ summer shopping.  I imagine myself to be living in maxi dresses and sun hats all the rest of my days.

Baby is the size of a Peach!

11 Weeks

How far along?  11 weeks

Total weight gain:  2lbs

Maternity clothes:  Not yet, religiously wearing tights and yoga pants though.  I'm all about comfort now, especially with this bitter weather we've been having.

Stretch marks: No

Sleep: Sleeping good.  Started using a body pillow, goodbye romance!  And already waking up to pee 900 times a night.

Best moment this week: Deciding that I am taking the entire month of August off to soak up the last days of summer and the last days of C being my only baby.  And now I'm crying... it really doesn't take much to turn me into a blubbering hot mess.

Movement: I KNOW I've felt a few flutters on occasion but it's hard to tell if it's actually movement or just gas.  They say you start to feel movement sooner the second time around, but I'm pretty sure 11 weeks is REALLY soon.  Probably just really farty. ;)

Cravings: Pepsi (like the last time), Cool Whip, Hot Peppers.

Anything making you queasy? Not anymore, coffee was a no go for a while, but I'M BAAAACK! Now load me up with all the caffeine and coffee creamers.  I've started up my collection again.

Gender: Unknown.

Labour Signs: No way, definitely forget what that feels like.  Of course, that's the only way I'd ever decide to do this a second time, right?

Symptoms: Moodiness.  I'm sorry.  I'm short, snippy, and VERY emotional.  I even had an entire day dedicated to 'where is my life going?', and then I was over it by bedtime.  Bear with me here, husband of mine.

Belly button: I can see to the back of it.  EW ...have I mentioned how much I freaking hate belly buttons.  I might just go ahead and delete this part of the questionnaire.  It's an ongoing thing in this household to poke your belly button when Mommy's looking so that she gets super freaked out.  They get me every time!

Emotions:  I'm on a roller coasted and I'm forcing everyone around me to ride.  Come on guys, it'll be fun, she said!

Excited for:  Deciding on a name for Baby Boy/ Girl!  We've chosen the same name whether we get a little he or she.  But of course you'll have to wait 6 more long months to hear it.  I'm so pumped for it and I feel exactly the same way that I felt once we decided on C's name.  Completely in love.

Baby is the size of a large Plum!

10 Weeks

I'm baaaaaaack and pregnant with Baby R #2 who is due In September. I'm beyond excited to be starting up this baby blog again and I can't wait to start comparing the differences between my pregnancies.      Thanks for riding this crazy roller coaster with me all over again!

I'm not sure if it's even possible, but I knew I was pregnant the second it happened.  The hubs and I decided that we were going to stop 'not-trying' in November and we made this little babe on the night of my 26th Birthday, December 17th.  Happy Birthday to me! ;)

I tried taking a handful of pregnancy tests WAY too early and of course got a negative every time.  But I KNEW.  I was bloated and starving all the time.  I also started having random nosebleeds a few times a day.  I finally got a positive test the day after New Years day.  That's pretty much when I began eating like a horse and asking for nightly foot rubs... it's pretty much been a love/love relationship ever since.  I'm in LOVE with being pregnant.  Except that I really miss wine.

How far along?  10 weeks

Total weight gain:  2 lbs... here we go again.

Maternity clothes:  Still in my normal clothes.  Jeans are getting a little snug.

Stretch marks: No way! Hoping to fight them off this time around as well.

Sleep: Sleeping great... except that 10 hours a night plus an hour long nap just isn't enough.

Best moment this week: Sharing the news with our families and friends! It's nice to have somewhat planned this pregnancy and to also somewhat have our shit together this time around, so we weren't as terrified to tell our parents.

Movement: None yet.  But I've read that it happens much earlier the second time around.  Can't wait!

Cravings:  Nothing specific yet. Just really hungry all the time.  Mostly enjoying smoothies, pastries, and all things carbohydrate.

Anything making you queasy? Morning sickness is pretty much nonexistent this time around.  I am really lucking out so far.  I get a little bit queasy thinking about coffee, which I haven't been crazy about for a few weeks.

Gender: We are hoping to find out what we are having again, I believe that happens around 20 weeks.  I would love for C to have a baby sister, but the hubs of course wants a mini him.  I'm happy with a healthy, great sleeping baby. :)

Labour Signs: n/a

Symptoms:  Bloating, itchy belly, breakouts, I was pretty tired for a while but that seems to have subsided.

Belly button: Cleaned out some old lint from the last time.  Disgusting.

Emotions:  Excited and nervous.  I can't believe I'll be a mom to two year old and a new born. Yikes!

Excited for:  My next appointment with my midwife.  I was lucky enough to get one this time around and I love her already.  It's a really good feeling to see someone every month who actually cares about your wellbeing.  I had a terrible experience with my OBGyn and did not want to have to go that route again.  

Baby is the size of a Lime