Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Saying Goodbye

Goodbye to the little baby we'll never get the chance to meet, and goodbye to the little brother or sister. Goodbye to pregnancy, I'm sure we'll meet again.

     Last week we said goodbye to (what would have been) our second baby, who stopped growing too soon.

     Subconsciously, I had a feeling something wasn't right. My pregnancy symptoms disappeared a few weeks back, and I just chalked it up to being that lucky pregnant chick that everybody hates. An easy first trimester. Wishful thinking, I guess, and a little naive. 

     The truth is, I never thought it would happen to me. I'm too young, too fit, too healthy, taking all the right vitamins, getting enough sleep, and most of all, I've done this successfully once before. That's all well and good, but 1 in 4 pregnancies won't make it into the second trimester, regardless of whether it's your first or fifth time around the pregnancy block. There was nothing we could have done. These things happen. 

     We'll never know what went wrong, but I now know what's right about experiencing a loss like this.  I've never felt so lost and so loved all at the same time.  I'm lucky to have the unconditional love and support of family and friends at a time like this, the strength of a man to lift me up and tell me never to apologize, and best friends to tell me I'm beautiful, and that I don't have to explain myself to anyone.  These are the reasons that I'm okay today. 

     Eventually, I'll trust my body again to give it another shot. For now, I'm doing the best that I can. To be an even better mom and to cherish every moment with my not-so-little girl, to love deeper, a man who would take all my pain for himself if he could, and lastly, to be in the moment, less consumed with the what's next, and more accepting of what happens when you stop making lists and schedules.

     And above all else, to love myself fully. This body is capable of some pretty miraculous things, and someday maybe we'll test it out again. ;)

All my love and gratitude for the kind words,

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